(Editorial by Ken L)–Same Day Shipping party candidate Jonny may not be getting much sleep with a new baby in the house, but his integrity is fresh as a daisy now that allegations of selling access to his newborn in exchange for votes have been thoroughly put to rest.
I took it upon myself to investigate these serious allegations and came up entirely empty-handed. I have personally spoken with many family and friends of the candidate; all of them had seen young Tucker, but none reported any sort of pressure to vote.
Julie L., a friend of Jonny’s family was typical of the response I received: “Yes, I saw him a few days ago,” she said. “He is adorable! He had on a little crochet cap and he was very cute.”
No votes were required to hold this baby
Another near relative, Julie C., echoed the sentiment. “At no time did Jonny even mention the election,” she said. “And he’s even cuter than the pictures they have on the website.”
The principal accuser, Samuel of the Savings Sheriff party, seems to have tangled with the wrong baby in his attempt to scandalize his opponent. Next time, Samuel, pick an ugly baby and you might get a little more traction.
Let’s have some reputable resources on this scandal. If the defendant is guilty of admitting to this behavior, shouldn’t the story rest on that?